


Nightmare

by ApexOnHigh



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-08 20:48:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7772881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApexOnHigh/pseuds/ApexOnHigh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One horrible day from John's past continues to haunt him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sidewinder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidewinder/gifts).



_The green neon flickers "Hotel" in large vertical letters. "Vacancy" remains dark. John looks up at both signs on the building exterior and a feeling of dread falls over him._

_He's been here before, he thinks. It feels familiar and in a bad way. He can't recall why or how, quite yet. He only knows for certain that he shouldn't be here, not now._

_Not again._

_"What're you waitin' for, man?"_

_The voice calling to him belongs to his partner, Fin. He's giving John an impatient, annoyed look. John wants to tell them they should forget it, go back to the station house. Screw this case, it's not worth it. But he can't, not when he can't explain why he feels this way._

_And so he tries to shrug it off and he follows._

_He walks into the building, this old flophouse hotel, and his unease only increases a hundred-fold. Back-up...he thinks. "Where's our back-up?" he asks Fin._

_"Already in place. Waiting on us."_

_He doesn't see anyone. It's not right. "Fin..." he begins again._

_"What now?"_

_He wants to run. He wants to tell Fin they need to leave, get out of here. But the words won't come. His feet compel him forward, against his wishes and better judgement._

_They climb the stairs, quiet, hugging the wall and not saying a word. John wants to scream. This is the wrong city, he knows. He remembers it all, suddenly. He's done this before, but with others. He knows how it ends._

_It can't end that way again._

_Fin is at the door. John sees the number: 201. He wants to yell at Fin that it's the wrong room, the wrong number, to stop, but his voice is gone. He can't speak. He's frozen in place, his feet like lead as the hallway erupts in noise and chaos and the bullets start to fly._

_Blood splatters the wall. The door. Everything goes red before his eyes. John falls forward but not because he's hit, it's because Fin is dragging him down._

_"Fin!"_

_He screams the man's name, grasps at his body. But Fin only lies there staring up at him with the eyes of the dead, blood seeping through the white of his vest, pooling on the ground beneath his head._

_"FIN!"_

 

John wakes with a start, gasping, the scream on his lips dissolving as he sucks in his breath. He blinks and finds himself in a dark room, sitting up in bed...

 _Nightmare,_ he realizes. _Just a dream._

But bad enough, dream _or_ reality.

Fin is right where he should be, in bed beside him. Breathing softly, lost to sleep not plagued by nightmares. John sighs in relief, but inside he's shaken, an ill feeling overwhelming him.

He closes his eyes and takes a few deep, slow breaths to try to calm himself. But closing his eyes only takes him straight back to the nightmare. All he can see is Fin's eyes, lifelessly staring up at him. The blood on the walls, his shoes... The images of the dream feel so close that he fears returning right to it, should he try to go back to sleep. He can practically smell and even taste blood in his mouth and it immediately makes him nauseous, panicked.

He can't even take even being close to the other man. He needs to get away, needs to escape before the sickness overwhelms him. Careful but quick, he slips out of bed and hurries to the bathroom.

White noise rings in his ears and he feels dizzy. His stomach clenches so he drops to his knees before the toilet, sure he's going to throw up. Desperately wants to, if it will ease the discomfort. But as soon as he hits the ground, the feeling lessens and it's a relief, of sorts. The cool of the tile floor is soothing against his naked body as he feels a sweat breaking out on his skin. He leans against the bathtub, hugging his knees to his chest, just wanting it to be over, waiting for it to pass.

 _Stomach bug? Maybe the flu?_ he wonders, but he knows deep down that he's suffering from neither. It's the nightmare. His past distorted and confused with the present, old friends and partner traded for new and dragged into these events he's long tried to push out of his mind and forget ever happened.

He's not sure how long he sits there on bathroom floor, trying to calm himself, but he's not ready to move. He doesn't feel like he can. He only knows it feels safe, here, alone and isolated. He doesn't even notice at first that Fin's come looking for him, until the man's voice drowns out the static noise of his own thoughts.

"John...hey, what's wrong?" Fin reaches out to touch him and he flinches, startled. Fin pulls away immediately but even in the soft blue glow of the bathroom nightlight, John sees the concern on the other man's face. "Babe, you sick?"

"No, no. Just..." Even speaking is hard, finishing his thoughts. He wants to be left by himself. But he also feels better with Fin there. He can't decide what he wants. It's too complicated to think about these things right now.

"Let me help you back to bed," Fin starts, but John shakes his head.

"No, I can't...I need a minute."

"Okay. I'll just stay here until you're ready." Fin sits down beside him, close but not touching. That's good. He's making it clear he's not going anywhere, but he's also quiet, giving John room, waiting.

It's Fin's patience and concern that finally eases John's tension, lets him speak.

"I had a...nightmare. Bad one. More like a flashback, only...some things were different."

Fin says nothing, but gives John time to be ready to continue. "That day years ago in Baltimore...I told you about it before. When we were ambushed serving a warrant on the wrong apartment."

"The other guys all got hit and you didn't."

"Yeah." He remembers telling Fin about it some time ago, late at night on a stakeout. That was when they were still first getting to know each other, when friendship was only starting to turn into something more intense between them and they both had lifetimes of stories to share. "In the dream, I was with you, not Bolander, Howard and Felton. It was just you and me. I knew what was going to happen and I couldn't stop it. Couldn't warn you because I couldn't speak or move and the next thing I hear the gunfire and you're..."

He can't say it. He doesn't have to. Fin reaches for his hand and this time John doesn't flinch away from the contact. "I'm here."

"I know. I know you are." John lets out a deep shaky breath. "Fuck, I feel like an idiot, getting so bent out of shape over a stupid dream."

"It happens. I get it. I've been through it too, you know? Seen some shit that stays with me...comes back without warning sometimes. Especially from when I was in the Army."

John thinks about this. Despite all that they have shared, that part of Fin's life is still largely a mystery to John. "You never talk about those days," he says.

"Ain't much I want to talk about, or think about. But every once in a while..." He pauses and then cautiously asks, "You ever see anyone to help you deal with what happened?"

John snorts. "No. I wasn't one of the ones who got shot and nearly died."

"Don't matter. In fact you probably got it worse 'cause you remember everything just how it happened."

"Survivor's guilt, then? PTSD? Or some other fancy combination of letters to mean that I'm crazy?"

"You're _not_ crazy. You're human," Fin chides him. "I'm not a shrink, man, but I know how it goes. And I know I don't like seeing you hurting like this."

John sighs. He's never liked psychiatry, never trusted shrinks and he's seen too many people messed up on medications that only seemed to make them worse, not better. And yet... "I guess I could talk to Huang about it."

Fin nods. John knows he won't press, at least not too much, and that's a comfort. That's why maybe he'll do it, because Fin would never force him to.

"Ready to go back to bed now?" Fin asks.

John's not sure. He wants to get off this cold floor and feel the warmth of his lover's embrace. But the bed still worries him. "How about...think I'd be more comfortable on the sofa for a change of scenery." A different environment and perhaps he can sleep without the dream returning, he thinks.

"Okay."

They both get to their feet, and Fin tenderly pulls John into his arms for a kiss and a long hug. "I'm always here for you," he says, the sound of his voice so soothing.

"I know you are." It's why he loves Fin so much. One reason anyway. It's the reason that matters the most to him right now.

 


End file.
